Anyway, the last 4 weeks have given me really a lot to think about. I don't think that there have been any earth-shattering "ah ha" moments, but more like a realisation that things are not always like I think they are...and it took a few events in sequence in order to see that really clearly. Little things that people have spontaneously done to cheer me up (Kim calling me for my birthday and singing "I'll stand by you is something I am still riding high on almost a month later). Medium things where I feel a bit let down. No big things though.
So, it comes down to this...i've spent a lot of time recently feeling like an after-thought. Kind of like "oh there is Rodney" or that I am part of some guilt-free checklist. And perhaps it is more jarring because I had so many fantastic things happen in June. It's never my style to give specifics in a public forum, but in the many ways I measure happiness my with life, I am starting to realise it centres around too few elements. Whether those element are places, things, or people.
So I am slowly centering to the fact that I think I need to make some changes about my life around me. Big Changes. I have to re-balance this unbalanced feeling I have, even if it means some short-term uncomfortableness or long-term loss. I have had lots of small successes over the last 12 months -- things to be really happy and excited about. But they aren't changing the fundamentals. So I need to assert myself more, be less inhibited to communicate what I want and need, and find the happy balance.
It's not a melancholy feeling I feel. Rather, it's one of clarity. I clarity I have not felt since my aunt passed away. Maybe this is my way of telling myself I am ready to move forward again.