Rodney (rcornelius) wrote,

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Ode to Christmas 2000 by Chuck Kraemer

For those of you who have never gotten to know Chuck Kraemer, he a media personality well read and well-respected. The following below is called the "Ode to Christmas", which he used to do yearly for many years. The 2000 version was the latest that I could find, but funnily enough, it is still very appropriate.

Lord... and Taylor. Anne Taylor. Ann & Hope, Anne Klein, Calvin Klein, Cuisinart, Kodak, cotton polyester, budget stretcher, store-wide, half off, dot-com.

Joy stick, rain check, Osh-kosh, hi-def, hands free, toll free, goose down, smackdown, Rug Rat.

Big Bertha, Bugle Boy, Game Boy, Mr. Coffee, Fry Daddy, Dirt Devil, Dolby, Furby, Barbie. Fuji, khaki, kareoke, Yahtzee, Sorry.

Ear buds, ab toner, Foot Locker, famous maker, Tomb Raider, subwoofer, Tweeter, Starter, Razor, Russell Stover, Eddie Bauer, Perry Ellis, Harry Potter, Ricky Martin, Sam Goody, Laura Ashley, Fanny Farmer, Scooby Doo.

Behold, in the East, a Star-Bucks, brushed aluminum travel mug, a divine Miss M mini-CD, Kenny G, MVP, JVC, CVS, DVD, GE, GI Joe, IJ Fox, TJ Maxx, Pentax, FedEx, AmEx, Gortex, Memorex, Rebox, bubblejet, Pikachu, Jontue, Jean Nate, Cachet, Faberge, J. Crew, NSync, IZod, EBay, Ibu-profen.

Norelco, Polo, Lego, Elmo, Toro, Osco, Speedo, Casio, Hasbro, Tyco, Tonka, Duracel, Duraflame, London Fog, Swiss Army, Canadian Club, Scotch Tape, Irish Mist, English Leather, British Sterling, Sterling Silver, Lady Schick, sure-stick, non-stick, Water-Pik, Shrieve, Crump, low, watt, crock, pot.

One-touch, U2, MP3, Pentium 4, 5x7, nine-volt, ten-speed, 12-cup, Building 19, 1-800, kilo, mega, giga, tera, byte, white sale, infra-red, Walgreens, Black and Decker, what the heck, deck the halls with Hitachi, Mitsubishi, Sansui, Sony, Seiko, Sanyo, Panasonic, Instamatic, automatic, anti-static, alkaline, nine to nine, Calvin Klein, Anne Klein, Anne & Hope, Anne Taylor, Lord and Taylor, good Lord.

What have we done? To Christmas?

What have we done to Christmas indeed? Maybe I am so heads-above-the-clouds to believe that Christmas should be about who we are with instead of how many toys we rack up into the house. Maybe I do forget that in my youth, all possible all I really cared about was the presents, whereas what I care about now is the company I keep during the holidays. Maybe I feel stupid because I think that it is the thought that counts behind the gift, rather than the store's return policy. I don't know. What I do know is that since college, I have come to dislike christmas.

blah....i am bitter about this...time for pills...
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