By now, you have heard the news. Janet Jackson is Public Enemy #1, the root of all problems in American society and the reason why the world is in the state it is today. From Global Warming to Terrorism to the Middle East conflict, Janet Jackson showing (accidentially) her right breast can be traced as one of the primary causes.

I've recommended locking her up at The Hague as she has apparently committed a crime against humanity. However, before we pubically burn this "witch" at the stake, let's take a moment to pause and reflect, because as it turns out, she might not be pure evil that we want her to be, that we need her to be to take our minds off of a sagging economy, a weak dollar, the lack of decent jobs, a declining standard of living, botched US foreign policy, that policy of aggression that wins wars but can't keep the peace, and an America long on ambition, but short of liberty.

Janet's breast is the visual representation of perilous times. It's more dangerous than the kids of the pot-smoking, unprotected sexual intercourse 70s -- yesterday's rambuncious hippies who are today's champions of family values. Hello hypocrites: contradict much?

Goodness...well that feels better...